The A to Z of low performance rowing
By Andrew Blit & Dr. Stephen Timmons of Sudbury Rowing Club
Pick a Letter :
[ A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z ]
I can’t remember who it was, but I saw a coach once who had a splash top with ‘Director of High Performance Rowing’ on it. There’s also a very good book with the same title by John Macarthur. This is about the alternative. If you’ve ever :
then this is for you.
Authors’ note : all incidents recounted below are true (more or less)
The motto writ in cold iron over the gates of all Low Performance Rowing Clubs. Or rather it should be, and typically in curling cardboard, misspelt in a corner of the noticeboard behind the life-jackets.
Having a singular combination of qualities, being both puny and fat, both clumsy and uncoachable, poorly motivated and strangely keen at the same time, there is very little chance that the average Low Performance rower will ever win a pot. It is a bye-word amongst the boys and girls with whom I play that, for each regatta or event attended, there is always at least one crew just too good. By this is usually intended a crew of fit and healthy teenagers (see Juniors) wearing identical kit (see Kit) and rowing the latest state-of-the art dugout (see Boats). In fact, of course, there are usually many crews too good. Often there aren't any crews who are not too good.
But this sad fact escapes the Low Performance person. They travel in hope eternal and their only recognition of the painful truth is to choose events in which they feel they might be able to rescue success from the jaws of a drubbing. I have known rowers who have driven miles to race once in a Mixed Veteran Novice coxed four (scratch) in the Most Bucolic Regatta In The World. What is worse, I know someone who wishes he had rowed in that race {I have never even won one race at my own regatta, sad or what?}
You see the sad truth is that the Low Performance Rower will never abandon hope. But it doesn't matter because he will never read the club noticeboard either.
We’re not concerned here with the kind of lengthy debates that go on on rec.sport.rowing about whether Empachers are as good as they’re cracked up to be, or whether Resolutes are worth all the money, even if they bend when you leave them out in the sun (allegedly). In the world of low performance rowing, our major concern is the pose value of the boat. Thus any Empacher, irrespective of it’s genuine merits, or perhaps more relevantly, age, is worth a couple of seats against most crews. Front steered coxed fours trump fours steered from the back. Anything foreign is good, even if it’s one of the legendary ‘unsittable’ Doneraticos. It’s important to bear in mind that what we’re talking about here are not real benefits, but perceived benefits.
At this level, coaches fall into two types. Like games masters in ‘Down with Skool’, they are either quiet or noisy. They delude themselves that they are either Harry Parker (quiet) or Dan Topolski (noisy). At a regatta, the Parker wannabes will mutter, "All the best lads, have a good one" just as the crew leave the landing stage, and about half way through the race will say "Oh God". They then revert to their usual silence. The theory that their deranged little brains are working in is that by being sparing with their words, their few pronouncements will carry great authority. Why this works for Coach Parker, and not for them, is that Harry Parker has an irreproachable track record and deep knowledge of the sport. They have neither of these, and, as such, their words are largely ignored by the crew.
Topolski wannabes, by contrast, keep up an unbelievable barrage of noise from start to finish. They can achieve a degree of volume that would keep them in steady employment as the singer in a thrash-metal band, and they make almost as much sense. The theory here is that their inspirational , nay charismatic qualities will overcome the crew’s lack of fitness/strength/ability/an Empacher (see Boats). They are just as wrong as the Parker wannabes, but I know who I’d rather stand next to at a regatta.
Spring ; and a young man’s thoughts lightly turn to a sun dappled river flowing through picturesque English meadows, Pimms, a brass band playing in the distance, girls in floaty summer dresses, Oriel College racing St. Edwards School….. you know the kind of thing. Thames Ditton, Wallingford and of course Henley come close to this Constablesque ideal. In fact, where you end up is on a derelict dock in E15, with no shelter from the regular squalls of sleet and hail that blow in just as you are sitting on the start. It’s like rowing on the sea, except the sea is cleaner. For some reason, I always seem to come up against brawny monsters from IC or the Lea, who laugh at the rough conditions, regard a cold shower of dock water as refreshing on the start, and then dive off to the safety lane, from the shelter of which they win the race, go on to win at Henley and get to meet the girls in floaty dresses. By contrast, me and my boys have to stop half way through the race to bail out the water. Some bright spark always comments afterwards that it didn’t matter, as we were last by a long way anyway, and in danger of being overtaken by the WJ14 scullers in the next race.
Three classes of excuses for missing rowing or training may be adduced.
Examples of type 1 are commonly of the type "I trained last night and am now too tired to get out of my bed". This excuse is sadly typical of the Low Performance rower, indeed greater thinkers than I often make a direct causal link between the presence of this excuse and the absence of pots on the
mantelpiece
Type 2 may often take the form of illness or fatal parental misfortune. Some trips ("can't row today, going to Telford for work") are best classed here though others ("I really must do Oxford Street") are better placed as type 1.
Type 3 are usually the most entertaining and least expected. One can almost forgive an oarsman for being unable to perform if he has to milk his cows for example, or if he is flying to Kuala Lumpur at the relevant time. Almost, but of course, not quite.
In any case, this is only the most basic of analysis. The classification, in practice may be much harder to divine and takes years of experience to manage properly. So, for example, an excuse that for one oarsman would be type 1 might well, for another belong rather in type 2 or even 3.
Take, for example, the classic "sorry I can't row, I'm wiring my kitchen". For the average male senior this represents simple type 1 laziness, whereas for the typical womens senior rower one might rather be tempted by type 2 or 3 depending on your appreciation of the individuals skill with such implements as pitch gauges and spanners. And for the Veteran, well a simple translation would be "my Significant Other says that if I go rowing I can forget all about nookie for the next 6 months, sorry" which is, in my book anyway, type 2.
Now try your hand at the following short quiz - the correct answers are further down the page, together with reasoning.
Class the following Low Performance excuses into their correct categories:
a) Can't make it, car is poorly
b) Going to Kettlebaston for the weekend
c) Not enough clean kit
d) BT curry night
e) Going to Italy for Partners' Birthday
f) Not performing well enough to erg in public
g) Too much lovemaking, tired
h) New boy/girlfriend
i) "not around that weekend"
j) attending Squad trials
Answers to quiz
a) Type 1 Only the Low Performance rower would think this an acceptable excuse, all the better oarsmen live at boathouses anyway
b) Type 3 Many of you will have been tempted by type 1, but as no-one in their right mind would choose to go to Kettlebaston the excuse must be genuine and is, by the same token, too outré to fall into type 2
Mostly Type 1 but see notes
Most oarsmen and women are well prepared for ‘re-cycling’ and will not let the odd smelly sock get in the way of poor rowing. Male lightweights, by contrast, are poseurs to a man and this situation would therefore represent a crisis of heroic proportions, demanding a Type 2 classification. Womens S1 have SO much kit that this excuse, if true, has to be improbable enough to become a 3
Type 2 unless individual works for BT in which case 1
Always take the free meal if offered, never dine out with workmates
Type 1
Why have a Partner if they're going to get in the way? Exception would be if Partner was staying at home in which case the examiners declare this to be type 3
f) Type 2
The Low Performance rower rarely recognises his own fallibility and should be encouraged in such an access of reality.
g) Type 1
Self-abuse should, on the other hand (!!) be seen for what it is - an unnecessary distraction from rigging debates. If it is possible to tell the two apart
h) All answers acceptable
For those sleeping their way to the top this would be a type 1, for other individuals it might be a 2 or even a 3. Indeed one can conceive of people whose legendary inability to train or score might rr this both a 1 and a 3
i) Type 3
Mysterious. Deep. Profound. Suspect 'complications' if two of the squad give you this excuse for the same time. Even if they are of the same gender. Especially if they are of the same gender
j) Type 3
Look, any Low Performance rower bold enough to give this excuse can only be lying, which would lead the unwary into the error of a 1 classification. But it is the very chutzpah of the statement that gives it validity. Unless the individual is selling ice-creams at Nottingham, in which
case it's a 2
Reassuringly, this pervades all levels of the sport. Take the example of CUWBC, one of the best womens’ crews in the country (see Women). What does their skipper have to say about them in the Boat Race programme ? Their endurance, commitment, what wonderful human beings they are ? No. Instead, "Their almost legendary faffing ability". Having not been involved at this exalted level, I can’t tell what they faff about doing, but LPRs can delay any outing by :
Rigging ; or to be precise, standing around talking about rigging. Come to think of it, standing around talking about almost anything. When do you think we got started on writing this ?
What passes at this level for maintenance (see Improvisation)
Waiting; rowing is not like football. You can’t go and have a kick about while you’re waiting for the last member of the team to turn up. However, when an old football has been fished out of the river (see Obstacles), many rowers will spend the time before an outing trying to have a kick about. This is when it becomes clear why they chose rowing, rather than any other sport.
However, all of the above are entry level faffing. There is an art, a subtle and skilled fighting art to doing faffing well. Take my friend who for reasons of privacy we shall simply call 'X'. X has the rowing equivalent of 5th Dan Black belt in Faffing. Not for him the simple tying the shoelace tactic, nor the last minute forgetting of the seat routine, for he is far more subtle. Rarely does he arrive in time for an outing but never too late for it either (for the LPR, time warps in most curious ways). X can always think of a new way of adjusting his feet. He has friends who demand conversation before getting into the boat. There are always plenty of reasons to question the outing plan, even if it had been agreed only 90 seconds previously. Amazing monuments to time-wasting are built on the smallest molehills of casually discarded spanners (have to be "tidied" you see).
It is a privilege to row with X. Even if each outing is 20 minutes shorter than it need have been (and be sure X will complain about 'lack of water time'). Even if Head Coaching Honcho has had to head off to Massive Dinner Engagement at Porky Paul's Pie Palace. One can learn so much from The Master, though it will not be about rowing, thus leaving one and all stuck as Low Performance oarspeople. At least until we have stopped faffing.
This, while not being confined to veterans (see Veterans), tends to reach a chronic, untreatable stage in many. The symptoms :
Using the phrase "Junior Senior"
A desire to grease collars on oars
Wearing towelling shorts (eeeugh ! negative kit posing points)
Long, windy diatribes about why wooden boats and pencil oars are morally, if not actually, superior to carbon fibre. This, when combined the statements mentioned above, leads to pronouncements of the form, " There’s nothing wrong with the (insert name of your club’s most rotten old boat here). I won Junior Fours in it at (insert name of long defunct regatta here) in (today – 25 years). We beat (insert name of long defunct club here) by two lengths."
Any innovation is greeted with, "Of course, Steve Fairbairn said that in 1898".
All ills that have befallen themselves, the club, or rowing in general are directly attributable to women (see Women)
H is for that time you think you'll invent an event that no-one else can enter. Coxed Pairs at Cambridge Winter Head. You convince yourselves you can row the boat (Hubris), that it won’t hurt a bit (Hope), you may even get a pennant. When you get thrashed by Eton J16s and Guildford Vet Ds, get passed by massive Czech sculler (female) the 'courageous row' report in next day’s paper is, of course Humbug. For this is so typical of the Low Performance Rower - enter any race with hope, not so much against the odds as against the dictates of reason and then seek to explain it all away to the gawping world.
I suppose the least entertaining and curious variety of rowing lies are those perpetrated by rowers on themselves. How often have we all heard excuses for getting wopped like "our blades were geared all wrong" (well why didn't you re-gear them?) or "my feet came out on stroke 3 of the Start" (so rowing like a donkey again ?) There must be very few crews who are actually better than us for the number of genuine reasons we get beat. We'd have been fine in the other half of the draw. Or perhaps, the headwind didn't suit us. So, therefore, there's always hope, oh yes, especially for hard pressed Regatta Secretaries who need our entry money in order to fund all the pots they're going to need to buy for other clubs.
Rather better are the circumlocutions used in the papers - reports after all written by the rowers concerned. It is possible to disentangle the skeins of truth from the woolly jumper of the local rag. Take "x sculled pluckily in her first event" which means "x fell in after 5 strokes". Or "x raced extremely successfully in her first event" which means "x got at least 10 firm strokes before falling in". You may even see "x triumphed over her first plucky opponent" which means that x was lucky enough to face someone who went belly up before she did. And these are just the Juniors.
Reporting on Seniors must, perforce be a little more subtle. Many of them are, after all, able to read. Correspondents tend to take the line 'if they can read their name in the paper it'll probably flatter their little egos so much it won’t matter that they were demolished" So you'll see a lot of crew lists. Though not always accurately. If you find a report that starts "such and such a crew consisting of [3 names out of 5] " it will mean said crew raced, lost and went home before your correspondent managed to get to the event. Many's the time I have returned, tired and beaten, from an event, only to spend the evening trying to name all the people in all the crews for some unlucky budding journalist. It can be a bit like pinning the tail on the donkey - "Q must have been in the S2 4+ because they were getting beaten by Lensbury while Y was in the S3 4+ trashed by Star" - only in this case the donkeys form the bulk of the tale. Oh and beware headlines of the form "xxxxxxxx Rowers take on The World" (I wrote this one). Always add the simple words. And Lose".
Then there's another sort of comforting lie. It is that flavour of humbug used by our elders and betters, the Coaching Staff (see Coaches). It is important for the sophisticated Low Performance Rower to gather every hint, tip and allusion thrown out by their beloved mentor. Here is a handy guide to
Things Coaches Say and What They Really Mean:
1. I think we need to speed up the catches
Pull Harder
2. We could do with longer finishes
Pull Harder
3. Sit up
Pull Harder
4. Relax
Sit up, row longer with sharper catches (see points 1, 2 and 3)
5. I'm sorry I didn't see much of that piece
This bike is crap
6. I'm sorry I didn't see much of that piece but you must have been fast
This bike is crap but totalling the Dalmatian was my mistake
7. What do you think of it?
I've run out of things to say because you're not listening to them
8. I think it's time you went off and did some hard work - I'll see you later
I've run out of things to say and am off to the bar
9. I'd really like to pick you
You're dropped
10. We have a really strong squad this year
You're dropped
11. That looked good
It's bloody dark out here
12. I don't think I can make the next three outings
I'm giving up
But even then there's hope, oh yes, there's always hope.
Can you re-rig a boat with only a wheelbrace ? Probably not, but many LPRs will give it a try anyway. Actually this may present a slightly unfair impression. I have always imagined that august institutions such as Leander Club, the Great Britain Rowing Squad or Eton College have exactly the right equipment for every task and know how to use it. For the average club member, by contrast, ingenuity and imagination are amongst the prime requirements.
It's at least partly down to the equipment. I bet the Squad don't have to hold their 17 year old coxed four together with gaffer tape (and I have won a point at Peterborough Regatta in this very boat). I shouldn't think for a minute that OUBC need to take a tube of epoxy resin out with them every time they want to float their first eight. Nor will they have boats with such varied rigging that they need every size of spanner in each of Metric, Imperial and 5th Dynasty Sumerian (that wooden coxless four we bought from some failed Agricultural College in East Germany)
The Low Performance Rower gets lots of practice at make and mend, at the art of the possible. He or she may never ever row in exactly the complete set of equipment but there will be a row. If you see someone at a regatta marching purposefully along with a small spanner, two planks and a set of electricians screwdrivers it will almost certainly not be 'the little man who fixes the PA' but will be the bow of some S3 8 off to make a new slide before the next round.
Another feature of this syndrome is a compulsion to collect other people's discards. Most Low Performance Rowers recognise in themselves an extraordinary ability to lose equipment (and how many 10 mil spanners did we start with this season? And how many did we have to buy just in order to be able to rig one boat in March?) and take from that a Magpie-like thieving nature. Other clubs' boating graveyards are happy hunting grounds for our heroes. Few are the gates, for example, that with a little imagination could not be described as better than those on any of 'our' boats. Or take the example of a colleague who recently went on holiday in New Zealand and still carries on his key-ring the three 10 ml washers he picked up in Christchurch.
Unfortunately, the LPR learns little from all the experience in manufacturing and maintaining. Mostly you'll find them taking the largest adjustable spanner from the box to tighten the smallest nut "because it has to be tight". A hammer may not often be thought of as a useful tool, for a rower, but for the Low Performance Athlete it's a way of getting the rigger pitched just so. Strapping boats onto trailers - why use the ties provided when there's a perfectly good length of ship’s rope available - a 100 metre length thus rendering the trailer untowable owing to weight.
Yes, it's good to watch, and you can learn many new things, but never ask the Low Performance Rower to become Maintenance Officer at your club.
A last word on improvisation
About 20 years ago, no, almost exactly 20 years ago, some colleagues and I decided to venture from our base to the far fields of Cambridge. Being small fish in a big pond (rejects from a large London club's Senior B squad) we had been generously granted use of a very special, painted Meccano arrangement doubling as a trailer. So far so very normal. But our moment of divine inspiration came half way up the newly constructed M11 when we realised that the brake on the trailer had not been released and, having gone through the red-hot-chilli-pepper stage was now gently a-flame. Rather than trouble the local Fire Brigade we took the initiative and, taking a leaf out of the book of the most famous Belgian Boy in the world we doused the blaze with our own fluids. Real Low Performance improvisation this as having left town at least 30 minutes late we could not otherwise afford a 'comfort stop'.
Many adult rowers are mystified when they are beaten by juniors. "But Steve" they say, "They’re just a bunch of puny kids". They may very well be, but what has been forgotten is the crucial factors in the success of junior crews.
They smoke and drink very little, if at all. It’s still illegal, their opportunities are limited, and they can’t afford it.
They are thus not coping with the ill-effects caused by 20 years of "Just a swift one after the outing, then ?"
Hence they are usually in a fit state to train and compete, and don’t say things like, "Can we just do some technique work this morning : I’ve got a terrible hangover"
They eat three nutritious meals a day : at least they don’t live on kebabs
All having learnt to row in the same place, they row in (approximately) the same style. Many top coaches agree that this is a good thing
They do everything that Sir tells them to do (mostly)
The distractions of GCSE are considerably smaller than work, marriage or children. Sorry kids, but that’s just the way it is.
It all starts when as a novice you get on the start for the first time, check out your opposition, and someone says, "We can’t possibly beat them ; they’re wearing matching kit" (This really happened to me). From then on the seed is sown ; kit matters. It can grow to dangerously obsessive proportions. Like boats (see Boats) kit is rated by it’s pose value. The Cambridge University kit pose value hierarchy runs as follows:
International
Blue (of course these days 1 and 2 are often combined)
Big club college rowers have heard of (that’s Thames, btw)
Other club or University
College 1st VIII
‘Humorous’ Novice VIII T-shirt
Other rowing environments have similar hierarchies.
As with boats, anything foreign is good. Many LPRs have a sneaking suspicion that a really good T-shirt slogan is worth at least half a length.
Lycra has revolutionised rowing kit, and the sport itself. Overall improvements in performance and the explosion in veteran rowing (see Veterans), are both directly attributable to lycra. Why is this ? If you are even a pound or two overweight, in Lycra you look like a flabby gut-bucket. Hence the increased enthusiasm for training, especially on the part of veterans.
There are two kinds of lightweights : ‘natural’ lightweights (i.e. too short) and other lightweights (too fat). Another way of looking at this is that there are still two kinds of lightweights : mad or slow.
Interesting lightweight dieting strategies no. 276. Going to the pub after every outing and spending all evening there. The theory is that if you drink only diet Coke, and stay until chucking-out-time, it will be too late to eat when you get home, and you thus miss another meal. This theory was expounded by a doctor I used to coach who was qualified as both a physician, and a psychiatrist. If this is what they learn at medical school, I’m calling the vet next time I’m ill (see Veterans).
Dieting can have a negative effect on lightweights. I’m not talking about muscle loss or lack of power or serious coaching type problems. What I’ve noticed is how bad tempered they become. I now know how the lion keeper at the Coliseum felt. Apparently the lions were fed only on lettuce in order to sharpen their appetites for Christians. Lightweights are like that, only more so.
As will already have become clear, we’re not talking about World Championship medals. The kind of memorabilia LPRs have consists of the following :
Photographs
Of course, memories are often best crystallised on camera. Some rowers are lucky enough to own pictures, or even video of themselves rowing well at high-class events. Most Low Performance Rowers have to make do with rather less. You may well find their lounges cluttered with curling photo showing mine host(ess) scared and massively deep whilst crabbing at St. Neots regatta 1993. Or maybe visit the loo and admire the collection of pained and strained expressions from Veterans Head of the River photos from days of yore.
The true rower will see in a photo the strengths of the crew and some (necessarily minor) technical weaknesses. For the LPR their album will recall for them, not the bent arm catches, the wet days getting thrashed over 500 metres by St. Cakes J15s (see Juniors) nor the Disqualified Owing to Smashing into Opponents (see Zigzag) but only the camaraderie of training (allow 5 minutes per month), the what-might-have-been (had no other crews turned up) and the Fellowship of the Oar, in the bar, all night.
Old start numbers
Old Henley Steward’s Enclosure badges
Press cuttings from local papers headlined, "Unlucky Defeat for Local Rowers" (see Hubris)
Bits of boats. Now the best thing to have is a sign-written oar. Oxbridge-educated LPRs may well have one of these as Bumps racing is an ‘equal opportunity’ sport. You need to read it carefully, however, to ascertain if the owner is genuinely an LPR. Here’s a checklist :
Are the crews bumped all lower boats than that of the owner ? (i.e. does the oar commemorate St. Custard’s 2nd VIII, who bumped 1st & 3rd 9, LMBC 7, etc.)
Are more than 50 % of the crew outside the normal range in terms of weight ? (i.e. was the crew composed of puny weeds and/or fat 2nd XV rugby boys)
Was the cox as heavy/heavier than most of the crew ?
God bless them. Many is the club whose Low Performance Activities are quietly funded by the subscriptions of people whose enthusiasm transcends their experience. Without their willing contribution many a regatta would not get built. Their keenness is an inspiration, their willingness to train a legend. All in all, deeply depressing.
Have you noticed how you can always tell a Novice even when they are not within 50 metres of a boat? There's something about the kit (clean perhaps, certainly without holes) that distinguishes them from the mass of senior rowers. That and their physical configuration. Novices only seem to come in two sizes, XXL and Diddy. For the men, the combination of Guy The Extremely Hairy Gorilla and the Weed Who Gets Sand Kicked In His Face By The Man Who Gets Sand Kicked In His Face In The Charles Atlas Ads makes for extremely interesting seating arrangements in the tub pair - have the big one at stroke, so the rudder is in the water, then bow wont be able to reach it. The girls, too come in either 'waif' or err... cuddly and there are no pieces of rowing kit that either of them will be happy wearing.
And they are so keen. So keen it hurts. They turn up and hang around demanding attention like pigeons in Trafalgar Square, but with less idea. They need coaching, (boy do they need coaching), but their reactions to it are curiously disheartening. It's not so much the raw incompetence (though God knows tacking back up the river against the wind and wondering whether you'll be back in time for dinner is a concern as a cox) as the overwhelming responsibility of it all.
It is especially true of female Novices that they hang on every word spoken by Coach. It is not unusual to be asked "am I still squaring late" 9 months after the original remark was long forgotten by your good self. And of course, admitting ignorance will be such a disappointment. Male Novices also listen hard to Coach but have more serious hearing problems. Say something like "try speeding up the catch" and the average male Novice will hear "pull harder". To them "sit up" means "pull harder". So does "weight on the feet" and "longer finishes". In fact everything that you can possibly say to a male Novice will, most likely, be heard as "bloody pull harder will you". Strangely enough any symptoms of this particular disease disappear completely once Senior is reached.
This over-attention to the detail spoken by the Low Performer masquerading as Svengali can have strange and unforeseen consequences. Generally the women will either loathe or love their coaches. The loathing is hard enough to deal with, bitter despair writ on the face (it's all your fault) and a stout handbag in the chops (never speak to me again), but the love is worse. Dearie me.
The men love and loathe their coaches. Whilst on the water their respect will be total. But as soon as they are on dry land their testosterone will demand that they show how much more they know than the poor schmuk on the bank. Unfortunately they generally choose said schmuk's best friend in whom to confide what a dork they think he is. And then they wonder why they're never getting any coaching.
Take them racing, why don't you. Ignore, if you can, the fanatically irrational demands for the best equipment ("but Andy, that Empacher would be much faster"). Deal with the kit confusion (no, yon beach towel doesn't look much like a one-piece on you). Fend off the self-doubt (when a womens crew asks "do you think we'll ever be ready to race?" it is the sporting equivalent of "does my bum look big in this?" after all). And be prepared for adventure..........
And be prepared for this. Always lay aside 2 hours after their first race for convincing half the crew that crabbing twice in the first 15 strokes is entirely normal, in fact you did it yourself only the other day. For it will be the case that things will go less than perfectly. Even if your charges are lucky enough to draw a similarly incompetent mob they will have the tragic misfortune to miss the first three strokes completely (and then blame you for not explaining what the word "GO" meant when shouted by the start-marshal). But don't worry, I have spent enough time talking people down, on river banks, in beer tents, in Motorway Service Stations at the north end of the Dartford tunnel to be able to reassure anyone that losing a race is not the end of the world and the There is Still Good Reason to Row.
Admire, if you will, the 'experienced, Novice crew's reaction to defeat. Not for them the senior LPR's calm de-rigging and post-mortem ("we lost because they cheated" a.k.a. "we were crap - as usual"). The Novice will genuinely believe that the Umpire was against them, that your allocation of blades led directly to their 6 length drubbing, that they'd have beaten Imperial College Novice 1st VIII if only they'd had the other station.
Here is one of the few times that the males will score over the females. For though both cadres will spend time throwing spanners and shaking their curly locks, the women will probably mean it when they say that they hate their opponents. For years they will carry the scars of that defeat by the Typing College 3rd Pool and will look forward to bitter revenge. Even a concerted 2 hour round of kit shopping will not assuage their tempers (picture the suppliers who only come to regattas where there are Womens Novice 4s) and they will go home, morose, sober and sad. The blokes, on the other hand, will spend those 2 hours rubbishing their opposition for sure, and then find the J15s who whipped them, take them drinking for the entire evening and get them arrested for sodomising the local police horses.
At the end of the day Novices know everything and nothing. They can tell you the appropriate span for a heavyweight mens coxed four. They know exactly what Redgrave does wrong on the recovery. They will tell you how to cox Worcester regatta. But ask them to put a rigger on and find all the washers on the outside of the nuts. Find that they've got out 4 bowside blades from two different sets for their latest 4+ outing. Watch them, in fact, gradually trash all the equipment given them to play with and then be properly thankful that they will, eventually and with the very best of fortune, metamorphose if not into butterflies at least into rowing-caterpillar-S4s
Rowing is best done on long, wide, deep, and sheltered stretches of straight water. Until the advent of the 2000m, 6 lane indoor rowing course(I believe the Germans are working on it), most rowers get to train on somewhere less than optimal. Many coaches think that snow, rain, and gales build character and mental toughness. This group of coaches is strongly correlated with the group who do most of their best coaching in the club bar.
However, these obstacles to training are trivial when compared to those which many LPRs face. These include :
Live obstacles
Fishermen
Bad tempered, bait-throwing old men. Ever seen any women fishing ? Exactly. This is because they have more sense.
Kids throwing bricks/firing air rifles
Depending how socially deprived the area you row through is, the technology used to shoot at you gets more complex.
Swans
Savage is the only word for them. Attacking rowers is built into their genome.
Dogs
If they don’t chase your coach and try to eat him, they will jump in the river and try to chase the boat.
Drunk crusties
Usually only a hazard in the Cam, when the Strawberry Fair is on.
Cows
Yes, I do mean in the river. Certainly an occasional hazard on the Cam, but there was also a story on rec.sport.rowing about a cow falling off the bank into a passing boat.
Snakes
Not only a hazard if you row on the Amazon, but also in the Cam (well known tropical river).
Rowers
Who have fallen out of the boat. NB : this is not just scullers.
Natural hazards (drop one shot)
Twisty rivers
Racing boats are designed to go in straight lines. If you add to this the fact that often the person doing the steering is not actually looking where they are going, (this includes coxes : see Zigzag ) it’s remarkable that anybody gets round a bend at all.
Running aground
Running aground on the Thames Tideway, where there are lots of concealed shoals, is almost acceptable by comparison with attempted re-creations of the speedboat chase from "Live and Let Die". Regularly seen in Oxford and Cambridge in bumps racing
Bridges/moored boats/Buoys
The larger and more permanent the obstacle, the more likely rowers are to hit it.
Trees
That these are definitively a) on land and b) permanent did not prevent one Cambridge college VIII from ramming their boat so hard into a tree that it had to be cut free with an axe. Did the unfortunate cox get any sympathy from her fellow professionals ? No. Some of them are still recounting the story 15 years later.
Things that really do not belong in the water
I now understand how railway sleepers come to be so common on the Tideway (they formed the walls of many a now-rotting wharf), and I suppose that discarded condoms and bunches of flowers form part of the same natural cycles, but I would still like to know who bothers to go to Chelsea Bridge in the dead of night and chuck their office waste away when there's a perfectly good dump only metres from the shore.
Fridges
Enough said
Vehicles
Again, what you hit in the river is correlated with the degree of social deprivation. Hence in Cambridge, it’s mountain bikes, in Glasgow, burnt-out stolen cars.
Like Gaul, they can be divided in to three parts. Partners who row, partners who do not row, and ex-partners. The issues of partners who do not row recall a Ralph McTell classic (re-written for the occasion):
Have you seen the young lady
Strolling up and down the towpath
Kit in her arms
Confused look on her face
Yes, I know it doesn't rhyme, scan or make much sense, but in so many ways that is also appropriate. For racing seems to make such little sense to most Low Performance Partners. They show up, at first I think out of a misguided sense of loyalty, and subsequently out of habit, but little of the racing sinks in. Many is the question we have all fielded along the lines of "so why did you end up following that other crew into the bank then?" or "were you racing those J15 girls?" And as much as we try to explain the intricacies and tension of the start procedure (when having been disqualified for non-identical kit), or convey the elemental excitement of side-by-side racing (being passed by 5 crews during the Head of the River Race) it just WONT sink in.
The first few events attended will be accompanied by that shared enthusiasm, hope that pervades the Low Performance Rowers existence (see A is for Abandon Hope), but sooner or later the cheering becomes a little more forced, the expression of sorrow on losing more jaded and the true, essential, BORED nature of being a Low Performance Supporter emerges. For there really can be little in life as dull as driving 2 hours to stand in freezing mud, carrying discarded and smelly kit ("hold my trousers will you") and, after a wait of 45 minutes see your 'loved' one lose for a record 15th time in a row.
The sexes have different ways of coping with this (un)natural tragedy. The more independent gender will take themselves off shopping if they can - many's the Bedford Boutique or Peterborough salon that has been the lucky beneficiary of extra business on race-day. The males, on the other hand, having gotten over their natural chagrin at being fat boys in a thin mans world will don their sunnies and admire the err technique of their partners opponents. At least the women, laden down with gee-gaws as they are get to go home in the same cars.......
And at the end of the day, the tired and fed up oarsperson will EXPECT tea 'n sympathy in large measure ("make mine a double"). No no, it's not much fun being a Low Performance Partner....
Partners who row are equally problematic. They often start of as partners who do not row, get fed up with the amount of time their loved one spends rowing, and take it up as the only way to get to spend some time together. However, what we need to consider here is how rowing partners turn into ex-partners, and the part rowing plays in this process. When I lived with "She Who Must Be Obeyed", as my crew called her, we thought we had avoided potential conflicts by rowing for different clubs. This period of peace lasted a whole season, until the last regatta of the year at Ross on Wye. As the day wore on, it became increasingly clear that the only crews likely to win Womens’ Senior A were hers and mine. We met in the semi-final. It was a very close race. As it unfolded I was presented with a moral dilemma. Should I use the inside knowledge I had about her crew’s weaknesses to try and gain some advantage in the race ? I must have pondered this for at least 1/100th of a second before I started to shout, "X has cracked ! She’s dying ! we can take them ! Let’s go !", secure in the knowledge that my partner’s crew all thought this anyway about the unfortunate Ms. X. My girls won by about 3 feet. About 2 weeks later she threw me out.
What can possibly be even more disruptive is the absence of partners. Hence the race I lost to a crew we had beaten only the day before, caused, it turned out, by stroke’s energetic pursuit of a sculler from Thames Tradesmen the previous night. Or the same crew’s poor performance on the Sunday of Bewdley Regatta, caused by "The Great Bewdley Shark Hunt" (see Women). Or having to arrange outings with the womens’ 1st VIII of one Cambridge college (who will remain nameless) around their packed schedule of Formal Hall dates with mens’ crews.
The holy grail for low performance rowers. In fact they probably stand a better chance of finding a mythical chalice than they do of qualifying. Why are the qualifiers so difficult ? A detailed analysis is required. Consider the piece of paper that says "you are invited to qualify for the Thames/Britannia/Temple" (‘invited to qualify’ – makes it sound like a garden party, not eight minutes of intense pain). LPRs will not being trying to qualify for anything else (Reasons : Grand/Ladies/Prince Philip/Stewards; too difficult, Wyfolds/Visitors/Goblets ; requires someone who can steer a coxless boat, Diamonds/Double Sculls/Queen Mother ; have to be good at sculling)
The ‘invitation’ will also say, "15 crews to qualify out of 45". This leads to a totally misleading view of the odds. May LPRs will think it means their chances are 3 to 1. This neglects the fact that many of the crews in the qualifying races are certain to qualify. Of that 15 ;
Two crews will be from Queen’s Tower/Tyrian/Bow Bridge, and therefore ex-winners of the Ladies’ who are now unemployed after graduating with a rower’s third, and have therefore spent the year training, subsidised by you, the LPR taxpayer.
Two crews will be beefy supermen from an American/Canadian/Australian University, complete with professional coach, Empacher etc.
Two crews will be ex-world championships competitors from somewhere like Argentina, now rowing for a ‘flag of convenience’ UK club.
Two crews will be disturbingly large juniors (see Juniors) who are off to represent GB at the World Junior Championships later in the year.
Two crews will be the boys from IC/Lea who stuffed you at Docklands (see Docklands)
This means that the odds are, in reality, 5 crews to qualify out of 35, a more realistic 7 to 1.
Like many low performances coaches I have a vague feeling that I don’t know enough about rigging, and a tendency to get bored when the subject rears it’s complicated head. This leads on to what R also stands for which is Richard the Rigging Guru. Richard has a first class degree in rigging from Imperial College. Don’t take any of that nonsense about him having studied maths. He did four years of rigging, studying in depth, under Professor Billy Mason. Any technical fault which you spot has a rigging-related solution, which can be guaranteed to take at least 45 minutes to implement. Even hardened geeks like the authors tend to get bored at this point, and start talking bollocks about another subject.
Like lightweights, there are two kinds of scullers. Scullers who have fallen in, and scullers who are going to fall in. Before you get on to the Diamonds (see Henley) , it as well to know what you are up against. Scullers are not concerned with being the lone samurai warriors of the sport (Assault on Lake Casitas), nor are they bothered about the finer points of technique (The Sculler at Ease). The thought which occupies their brains for most of an outing is, "Will I stay dry today ?" (Swimming for Beginners).
There are two further types of scullers. Those who want to test themselves alone, to seek their limits etc. The other sort have such chronic personality disorders that they have to take up sculling because no one wants to row with them. It’s often hard to tell which of these two groups a sculler falls into (they do a lot of falling into things), and indeed many scullers of the second type fondly imagine that they are of the first type.
There’s another kind of sculling insanity that overtakes some. Despite , or perhaps because of, the fact that rowers would consider the risks that scullers take to be insane anyway, some scullers become totally without fear. They will thus scull across flooded fields when everyone else is safely in the bar, having taken one look at the raging torrent and agreed that the river is unrowable. When kids (see Obstacles) drop bricks on them, they continue their outing, apparently unaffected. They go out at night on the Tideway.
Falling in can just occasionally have it’s compensations. Take the case of two deadly rivals from the same club, racing each other in Womens’ Senior C at Nottingham. Rival A falls in after about 5 strokes. Rival B looks round after about 10 strokes, and thinks, "I can’t see A ; she must be ahead of me". B pushes on hard. This process is repeated at 250m intervals all the way down the course until B, having won the race by about 500m, manages to recover from the oxygen debt, and sees A in the safety boat, wet, but greatly amused by B’s unnecessary efforts.
A survey of fours with a tandem rig revealed the following reasons for that choice of rigging (see Rigging) :
1% had an engineer in the boat who had some convoluted explanation of why it made the boat go faster. This explanation involved phrases like "turning moments" so the rest of the crew just did it to humour him
1% said that it was because bow side were pulling stroke side round
1% had a deranged coach who thought that making someone row at 2 in a tandem was a good way of teaching them to change sides
1% said, " You mean there's another way to a rig a four ?"
1% said that it was the only way the boat would fit on the rack in the boathouse
1% said they used the two oars in the tandem for pushing floating obstacles (see Obstacles) into the bank.
94 % had seen an international crew rigged that way, and they thought it looked "cool"
About as far from low performance rowing as it’s possible to get. Serious athletes, professional coaches (including the real Dan Topolski; see Coaches), brand new Empachers (see Boats), matching kit (see Kit). Low performance rowers don’t compete in the Boat Race, or even go and watch it live. Instead they watch it on TV, preferably with a group of like minded LPRs. During all the build up (btw, they’re only people who actually watch the padding of the programme that the BBC puts in to hide their lack of other sports) they contemplate the fact that, for them, 90 minutes on the ergo is not per rower, per day , but instead per crew, in a month. They spend the race looking for coxing errors and technical faults, and disagreeing with Chris Ballyhoo on the commentary.
A somewhat inaccurate description. Veteran implies a wealth of experience, expertise and ability, and a gritty determination to win, fired in the furnace of years of close racing. In my experience, what many veterans are world class at is whinging. Lengthy detailed treatises that Heidegger would have been proud of, involving as many obscure concepts, and couched in equally impenetrable language. All of this can be reduced to one simple concept however, viz. "It’s not my fault" (I’m too old, unfit, inflexible, totally uncoachable etc. etc.) Not that other rowers don’t whinge ; it’s just that veterans are much better at it.
The other area in which veterans excel is injuries. Not for them the simple tenosynovitis or blisters. They have complex joint problems which a whole firm of sports physicians would struggle to diagnose accurately, let alone treat. This lack of scientific information does not prevent veterans from discussing their injuries at great length. Thankfully, this is usually with other veterans, but my sources tell me that yes, they do sound like a group of pensioners meeting in Outpatients. The next time I encounter injuries of this type, I’m calling a vet.
No, I’m not going to indulge in the sexism that rowing should be thoroughly ashamed of. CUWBC does not stand for Cambridge University Wobbly Bottom Club (I personally think they’re gorgeous, especially the lightweights), womens’ rowing is not ‘assisted drifting’, women rowers train just as hard as men…. Have I made my point ?
Womens’ rowing involves another W : Washing. This is something female rowers do, including their kit, and many men don’t (often enough). A womens’ crew would never do what the notorious Selwyn 2nd VIII did when I was a student, and not wash their kit for a whole term. This did have one benefit, I should point out, as it meant that on the twisty River Cam, where it’s not always possible to see who’s coming round the corner, you could always smell them in the distance, and take appropriate avoiding action.
The only exception to this is the women who get superstitious about their lucky pants. This leads on to the downside of being involved with womens’ rowing : the embarrassment factor. A few examples should suffice :
Case 1) I coxed a WS3 4+ at Wallingford Regatta (see Docklands). At bow was a graduate of both Oxford and Cambridge, who is a solicitor and a JP. Early in the day she noticed the Eton 2nd VIII. She spent the rest of the day making sure they were in earshot, and saying things like, "I’ll have that one. Have him stripped and washed and brought to my tent"
Case 2) Coxing a womens’ novice 4+ at University of London Regatta, bow announces just as we’re going down to the start that she needs a pee. There’s no time to go back to the boathouse, so she takes off her all-in–one and goes over the side. She’s an orthopaedic surgeon now.
Case 3) Having been chucked in the Thames (the spoils of victory) after the Hospitals Bumps Races, I went for a shower. Thinking that the men’ showers would be occupied exclusively by men, I was naked. (I believe many other people favour this approach when getting showered). It was occupied (to my surprise) by a large queue of female rowers who had decided that the queue for the ladies toilet was too long, and they were going to use the mens’. This had nothing to do with the large quantities of lager they had taken on board. The fact that they were medical students was in no way reassuring.
Case 4) The Great Bewdley Shark Hunt. Which was undertaken by a womens’ Senior A IV I once coxed. On the Saturday night at Bewdley Regatta, they had a competition to see who could get chatted up by the ugliest rower. I spent the evening fending off blokes who kept coming up to me and saying, "You’re from that (club that will remain nameless) IV, aren’t you ? Where’s X from your crew ? I was just going to buy her a drink."
As in beer. Rowing and drink has a long and honourable history, and most LPRs are determined to uphold the finest traditions of the sport. Not for them the fluid intake of the National Squad athletes of isotonic sports drinks, mineral water imported from Uzbekistan, etc. For most LPRs, beer is isotonic, that is, it closely matches the normal state of their body fluids. They have all read those old rowing books from the 1920s that recommend ‘a pint of beer with lunch, two pints with dinner, and a glass of port on the Leander club lawn before retiring’, and believe that these quantities can safely be doubled with no detrimental effect on performance. In their case, this is probably true. Many LPRs will have experienced rowing hung-over (see Juniors), but some have also tried rowing while still drunk. I’m sure that one of the people I used to coach was either hung over or drunk for every single outing and race in one season. Having said this, a tactical vomit, and a can of Irn-Bru seemed to restore him to what passed for normality.
I should admit at this point that at least one of the highlights of my low performance coaching career was accomplished with a hangover. Serious high-performance coaches from the UK’s leading clubs were giving their girls a few final words of wisdom before a National Championships eliminator. My words of wisdom were, "I need 2 paracetomol, a cup of tea, and a Polo", "Don’t worry if you can’t hear me shouting : I might have to stop cycling and be sick"
Here is a quick guide to those personalities ALL clubs are blessed and afflicted with - see if you can spot your personal favourite, or even recognise yourself......
The Arthur Mullard
The person who always turns up at the most depressing moment. The one standing by the trailer while you are desperately trying to make one strap do the work of three saying "you don't want to do it like that". The one with the irritating smile when you fall in. Prone to asking loudly whether it is still three quarters half half when on start of final at Big Regatta. Size: fat. Star sign: The Roderick Spode
Maurice Clubman
Sitting in the deck chair when you get down to the club. Always on hand with a spanner. Buys ten ml washers out of the goodness of his/her heart. Will always cox when required. Especially lacking in co-ordination, ability, fitness and majors in making people feel guilty for not wanting to row with them. Size: fishing-line. Star-sign: tea-spoon
The Winner
Always on the fringe of major victory (unluckily run over by bus before Henley final). Likely to own national rowing kit which looks vaguely German but purchased from Goalkeeper of 1992 Belgian Congo Youth World Cup (soccer) Squad. Has Leander oven gloves. Will have rowed in 8s (so much power), 4s (more dedication) pairs/doubles (feel the individual contribution) but now sculls because no-one, NO-ONE can match his/her dedication. Genuinely unlucky with illness and injury owing to inability to look after self (walked out in front of bus whilst pissed). Prone to bouts of manic depression during which quite capable of breaking hand by punching LARGE tree. Size: Improbably tall and coat-hanger-like. Star-sign: Plaster cast
Wing-Nut The Exceptionally Keen Person
At every training session. Climbs every mountain, lifts every weight. Calls for power-tens during power-tens. Exhausts self doing pointless 5 mile runs before outings. Is immensely boring reciting erg scores in the bar. Has rowing sticker obscuring tax-disc. Tries to make up for lack of ability by sucking up to anyone in authority. Size: Little Weeeeeeeed. Star-sign: Lycra pyjamas
I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue
Very pleasant company. Totally useless. Prone to putting riggers on wrong bolts and not noticing. Leaves trail of vital club equipment around the countryside for unfathomable reasons ("Oh I just took that seat out so I could have a sandwich"). Has occasional brainstorms ("it would be good if we could do some weights") leading to attribution of alien qualities (from a different planet). Has even been known to turn up to row in top boat at Head of the River Fours without any kit, smile sweetly and get away with it.. Size: Toothy. Star-sign: Triumph Sodo no no Dolomite
We cannot finish this without saying some more about coxes. Hence Z is for Zigzag, as this accurately describes the route steered by many low performance coxes. This is perhaps understandable, in certain circumstances. Like when I coxed a mens’ VIII with Mr Enormous Shoulders at stroke. On the twisty Cam (see Obstacles) , a certain amount of judicious leaning out is necessary in order to see, for instance, Pembroke 1st VIII coming the other way (think stampeding herd of wildebeest and you’ve got the general idea). Mr Enormous Shoulders says, "Don’t lean out". I think "Yeah right, like it makes any difference to a boat this badly sat". We row a bit more. I lean out. Mr Enormous Shoulders says, "The next time you lean out, you’ll get a slap". We row a bit more. I lean out. To my surprise, I do get a slap. I coxed the rest of the outing in a sulk, deliberately seeking out the slowest route. I wasn’t asked to cox them again.
Equally nerve-wracking was coxing a medical student VIII on the Lea. The Lea, for those of you who don’t know it, is mostly too narrow for two boats to pass. Hence my anxiety when I see Lea RC Elite quad coming the other way, fast. (They do have another speed, which is faster). Our coach, an old Lea boy starts the bidding with, "You ******* *****, get your ******** quad out of the ******* way". The quad reply in similar vein. My boys get involved. In fact the only person not yelling is me. This is because I am contemplating not whether, but exactly how the Lea quad will kill me when the inevitable collision happens. To my amazement, the two crews manage to pass, about an inch apart. The yelling continues until the crews are out of earshot.
I have also tried coxing drunk, and was quite perplexed as to why the boat would not steer straight. Strong winds also make it difficult to go straight. As do many of the obstacles (see Obstacles) listed above. But these are as nothing when compared to the reasons coxes have given when I interrogated them about exactly why they seemed to preparing for the Giant Slalom.
"I was looking at CUWBC lightweights" (Understandable – see Women)
"My contact lenses fell out" ( not altogether reassuring)
"I was thinking about my essay" (this from someone studying English)
"I wasn’t sure which arch I was supposed to go through" (So why didn’t you choose at least one of
them ?)
"Which string do I pull ?" (no comment)
One of the daftest rules in the book is "all Junior crews must be coxed by Juniors". This must have been drafted by someone who has never seen the carnage of J14 octuples side by side through Bedford Bridge. It's amazing that the town survives. And it's not the case (any more anyway) that all womens’ crews must be coxed by women or that all Low Performance Mens Senior 2 Coxed Fours must be coxed by 14 stone thugs with wall eyes (though many, strangely, are). It would be interesting to see the converse rule: All crumbly veteran crews must be coxed by semi-senile Hitler substitutes. Instead of which we get, by implication: All veteran crews must be coxed by little boys - the older the crew, the smaller the boy.
A few of us regularly gather on Hammersmith Bridge to award the "VIIIs Head Unbelievably Bad Coxing Prize" each year. We try to stay close to the world-famous second lamp post, as the distance away from this forms one of our criteria for the award. Obviously, extra points are awarded to coxes from Tideway clubs who don’t seem to know the river. However, possibly the best comment on low performance coxing I have ever heard came from the examiner who was in the launch with me when I was doing my umpiring practical exam. On a six lane, buoyed course I eventually had to disqualify a coxed four who had crossed several racing lanes, the safety lane, and were heading for the bank. My examiner said, "You did the right thing there to stop them , as there were people in danger…. in the car park.