How to Weigh an 8

I am often asked "Andy, how do you weigh an 8?". Well not often, but I have been asked. Once.
 
For a moment it crossed my mind to treat this as some sort of moral or ontological question ("Compare the ethical gravitas of the Leander Thames Cup VIII with that of the Notts & Union Vet F (B) crew") but the it occurred to me that this is a perfectly serious question: how the devil DO you weigh an 8?
 
Here at the Institute of Low Performance Rowing we thrive on such conundra and I propose the following [draft] answers
 
The High Performance shorthand method
Phone manufacturer and ask for weight as new. Add 5%. Then add 10% compound for each year of age.
The High Performance longhand method
Blag Sport England or British Olympic Fund into building Yacht scales at Hammersmith. Charge extensively for use of same. Cause ARA to promulgate law that all boats must have wieght certificate (bitter? MOI??).
The Oxbridge boatman and Inner City RC veteran method
Place 8 on two widely spaced trestles. Stand in middle. Waggle shell up and down with one hand til you can hear the bolts creak. Declare 8 to be "effing heavy/light" as appropriate.
The Way of the Zen Master
"The thirsty crocus does not question the length of the hosepipe." (I haven't a clue and it's irrelevant at the speed you paddle)
The Engineer Method
Place 8 in swimming pool and measure displacement. Correct for
Chlorine content
Mean distance from geometric centre of earth
Presence of local anomalies (Remenham Hill, sewage works)
Express answer in scientific notation as a fraction of the nearest celestial body (or Cat Deely as she is known)
The Low Performance longhand method
Tow 8 to nearest MOT Weighbridge. Take weight. Subtract trailer weight, weight of ties, weight of dead leaves in trailer. Subtract weight of landrover. Subtract weight of Arthur Mullard (http://www.sudbury.rowing.org.uk/humour/a2zoflowperformancerowing.html#Y) Subtract weight of Arthur Mullard's lunch box (no seriously). Subtract weight of 'educational magazines' under rear seats. Achieve negative bouyancy. Get done for speeding on the way home.
The Low Performance shorthand method
Take 4 armless hard chairs (church-type is good). Borrow 4 bathroom scales from members. Place scales on chairs, place 8 on scales. Sum weight.
 
Now I see no reason why the last method should not be sufficiently accurate, indeed insightful. And entertaining to boot, especially the bit where you try to get all the electronic scales to register at once and one of them refuses to zero.

Perhaps we can try this at a Significant Regatta (the sort where Race Control wears a blazer and tie) and develop a handicap system - such and such SchoolBC have a 7lb penalty for a new Empacher etc. Yes, we'll still lose but at least the quality of our excuses will be better.

 

Andrew Blit