The
Mail to:
Andrew.blit@sudbury.rowing.org.uk
Final
Examinations for the Institute of Low Performance Rowing will consist of 8,
3-hour papers set by the different Departments within the Institute and
addressing the subjects alphabetically categorised in your course work
So, for example
Department of Nearly-Human Sciences
Using only items on your LP Club Notice board :
i) Club wins list: "What's the bloody
POINT??" Discuss
ii) Some notices
appear to date back a bit. Demonstrate an understanding of the meanings and
uses of 'mean', 'mode' and 'median'
iii) Flowers are invited for the funeral of your Safety
Officer who appears to have died in an accident involving a rowing machine, a
tub of grease and a Restricted Four with an inadequately secured bowball. Is a report to the ARA required and if so what
steps will you take in future to ensure no recurrence?
Your Low-Performance Club has generated a surplus of
£1500 at its annual regatta. How should this money be spent ?
The crew you coach has just come last at a multi-lane
regatta
Give the debrief in the style
of:
Juergen Grobbler
Gary Herbert
A coach from a Low Performance Club
Extra marks will be awarded for creative use of http://www.sudbury.rowing.org.uk/humour/coachsdilemma.html
D is for Docklands
The
The rowing, however, will be held at Dorney.
How can this be?
You are tasked with finding a cox
for a weekday evening outing for an enthusiastic and decent
women's 8. The time of their outing is specified as H Hour
Within your club you have the following possibles:
A Chippy
A Tour Manager
A Teacher
2 Financial Directors
A Junior International
An Electronics Engineer
A Web Applications designer
A Health and Safety Consultant
A Senior Consultant at a Clearing Bank
The following excuses have been given to you:
Still at work (wine trade)
Still at work (NHS)
Being Dad
Crashed boat last time I coxed it
Ferrying Old Age Pensioners around
Playing pool
On honeymoon in KwaZulu Natal
Not answering phone/sitting exams
Burying Mother in Law
Going away with family
Classify these excuses, match them to their rightful
owners and indicate your course of action at H minus 90 minutes
According to the OED the definition of Faffing is as follows:FAFF v. & n. (Brit Colloq); -v.intr. (often followed by about, around) fuss, dither.-n. a fuss.
Please explain how every outing, no mater how well organised, without any consideration for how comprehensively rigged the chosen boat is nor how used the crew are to each other, will ALWAYS start 7 minutes late. Please. I really want to know G is for the Golden Age of Rowing Genesis Chapter 6 verse 4. There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. Based upon the tales told at your Club bar (or appropriate hostelry) give an estimate for the local date of “The Golden Age”. Extra marks will be awarded for anecdotes involving Famous Rowers.
The Chairman (and formerly, twice, Captain) of your
local LP RC has entered a local Head race as a novice sculler.
During the race he has been overtaken by two J16 women scullers
and is rammed into the bank by a boys J15 double. He finishes last but one of
138 competitors having beaten a skiff by 2 seconds.
In not more than 500 words (excluding expletives)
1) Discuss what was going through his tiny mind when
entering
2) Write a report for the local newspaper
3) Explain why the skiff was so
slow
On your desk you will find
Two
large adjustable spanners
18
washers of assorted sizes
A roll
of duct tape
One
height stick (still in its wrapper)
Using only the above construct a steering mechanism for
a successful S3 2-
J is for Juniors
Owing to a small misjudgement your aspirant coxed 4 has
entered an early season multi-lane regatta. The minimum age difference between
the sum of your crew and that of any of your opponents is 135 years. Each of
their coaches is younger than any of your rowers (and earns more). Their boat
was built in the present century.
Explain how you propose to rectify the odds using their
inexperience of regatta starts, the lure of alcohol and the presence of members
of the opposite gender.
K is for Kit
You have been eliminated
from a major regional regatta, including repechage,
it is
a) a Male S1 sculler
b) crew from a WS2 8o (large
club)
c) Vet D rower ('forgotten-to-give-up' style)
d) Mens Novice (agro-chemical)
e) WJ16 1x
(though
not all at once if you please)
Marks
will be awarded for clothing from head to toe
L is for
Lightweight
You are coaching a lightweight womens'
crew. Among your merry crew are :
1) One who quite recently weighed 13st
2) An A&E SHO who works shifts, and thus eats at the most peculiar times of
the day and night. She views rowing as a method enabling her to exist on a diet
of curries, pizza, chips and lager (like all the other SHOs)
3) One who weighs 8st 5lb, has always weighed 8st 5lb, and thinks that the rest of her crew are, and I
quote, 'fat tarts, who eat lard'.
4) One who now weighs herself every 10-15 minutes, and if she has put on one
ounce, the day is a total disaster
Devise a dieting strategy, with weighing in dates and targets,
that will enable said crew to race in Lwt 4-
at HWR, without anybody (including yourself) having a nervous breakdown
M is for
Memorabilia
What objects in your possession are most evocative a single,
spectacular rowing moment (I have an immediately-post-race photo in which
stroke has turned round to the rest of the crew and is on the cusp of saying
“well that was BLOODY awful”. I can hear him now, though
he said it 8 years ago)
N is for Novices
Your coach has decreed that you must row with
a) Go along with him because
his son/daughter/significant other is important to you
b) regard
him as a visionary of Fairbairnesque proportions and
well worth the tuppence halfpenny per day the club is
subbing him
c) Feel vindicated by your
previous description of said coach as a fogey whose
best days were past before they had even started
d) Stage a revolt against the
Unjust Persecution of Downtrodden Novices
Your answer must contain a reference to Sir Steve Redgrave
O is for Obstacles
Describe with no more than 3 expletives how you would
deal with the following items that have prevented your crew completing a
magical 1k piece, the one that would have put the smiles on the OTHER side of
the faces of the Committee
a) a
drowned Merino sheep
b) 2/3
of a stolen Harley Davidson
c) A
Senior 1 4- of the opposite gender and FIT
d)
P is for Partners
In no more than750 words describe how you would convince
your better half that watching paint dry is a less exciting than attendance at
a regatta. Also describe how dirty you feel after writing this.
Q is for Qualifiers
Amo, amas,
amat
Starting with
“I failed, heroically, to qualify”
Give the full declension in as many tenses as you can
for your efforts on the Friday before Henley Royal Regatta
R is
for Rigging:
The crew in which you row has been video-ed. The film
was shot from 100m and into the setting sun. The launch was powered with a dragster
motor and driven by Guy the Gorilla. The lateral pitch on the playback screen
(4 cm x 8 cm) is 2 degrees
Using the methods of Richard the Rigging Guru
demonstrate
a) The importance of
foot-rake when calculating shin to pin distance
b) The imperfections of
previous attempts to rig the 40 year old Donoratico
you are rowing in
c)
It's Not My Fault
S is for Sculling
‘Like a long-legged fly upon the stream’ http://www.noexit.co.uk/longleggedfly_poem.htm
The temperament of low-performance scullers
is rarely serene, however, their directional sense often awry and their dryness
challenged. Discuss.
Your ambitious four consists of oarsmen varying in age by
20 years, height by 35 centimetres. Two of them claim to be able to row both
sides. One can steer. Two of them have spent the previous 12 months being
terminally grumpy with each other. They don’t have a boat to row.
How many ways are there to rig this 4-? Does it REALLY
matter?
Unlikely as it may seem you
have managed to get a seat in a crew immediately behind a former boat race
rower. As an LPR it your mission to make them feel at home.
Describe by what mean you will end up coaching them.
How, exactly, was it better in your day?
(NB a 3000 word limit will be strictly enforced for this
question)
W is
for Women
Watch the enclosed video and explain :
a) How did they get in to this mess ?
b) Who is really to blame ?
http://www-bc.trin.cam.ac.uk/video/may03/catz_falling_in.avi
Compare and contrast the most hungover row you
have ever had with the most drunken one. Which was better? Did you win on
either occasion?
How did he become Safety Officer?
3.
The position of Maintenance Officer at your local LPRC is
being contested (!?). Do you vote for:
a)
The person with the most experience of flat-packed
furniture
b)
The person employed by a supplier of door furniture
c)
The highest pointed oarsperson (oh you have to be kidding)
Consider the attached map of the Thames Tideway. Plot on
the map the Head of the River Race routes steered by the following crews :
WN 8 starting (and, in all probability, finishing) last
Men’s Veteran B 8 (but racing as S2) with ex-cox at 7,
coaches at 2, 5 and stroke, father of (11 year old) cox at bow
4- of students who've never rowed on the Tideway before.
Bow steersman once steered a pair when at school
Very fast German 8, starting 397 as new entry. Cox does
not speak English
Extra credit will be awarded for candidates who can give
the exact distance each crew will be from the 2nd lamp post on